For the First Ten Years, I Was a Shitty Leader
6 Lessons That Changed the Way I Lead
One of the biggest misconceptions about leadership is the belief that a good leader is born.
That some people simply “have it in them.”
That they have natural authority.
That they know how to work with people.
That others automatically listen to them.
That they have some special talent others do not have.
It sounds nice.
But it is not true.
Even more, this belief can be dangerous.
Why?
Because for those who think they were not “born leaders,” it becomes an excuse not to look for the answer to how they can become more effective leaders.
And for those who believe they are “born leaders,” it often becomes a convenient excuse to stop learning.
In both cases, the result is the same.
The team pays the price.
Here is the truth.
An effective leader is not born. An effective leader is built.
Not through a title, position, company car, or charisma.
But through practice. Through difficult conversations, mistakes, listening even when you do not feel like it or when you are in a hurry. Through giving feedback. Through the ability to look in the mirror and admit:
“I am a shitty leader.”
Personally, I realized this quite late. Not because I did not care. Quite the opposite.
I had energy, ambition, goal orientation, and a clear picture of where I wanted to go.
The problem was somewhere else.
For too long, I believed leadership meant:
my way or no way.
That a leader must have all the answers. Decide the fastest. See the furthest. And always know how to tell people what they need to do.
Today, I realize that this is exactly why the leader can become the weakest link in the organization.
Because a leader is not an expert in their field of work.
A leader is an expert in relationships.
A sales leader is not necessarily the best salesperson.
A finance leader is not necessarily the best accountant.
A marketing leader is not necessarily the best creative.
A company leader is not necessarily the best operational executor.
A leader must understand the work well enough to ask the right questions.
But their most important field is not processes.
It is people.
That is why the most important leadership skill is communication.
I am not talking about the ability to use big, sophisticated words.
Real communication is not the ability to sound smart.
Real communication is the ability to connect.
Below, I offer you the six most important steps to becoming a better expert in relationships.
1. Create Closeness
A leader who hides behind a computer does not lead people.
They lead spreadsheets, tasks, and calendars.
But they do not lead a team.
If you want to understand people, you have to go where people are.
Not only when there is a problem.
Not only when something does not work.
Not only when a result needs to be squeezed out.
But also when you want to understand what is really going on.
When was the last time you asked your team:
“What is currently making your work most difficult?”
“Where are we losing the most energy?”
“What do you need in order to do your work successfully?”
“Where am I, as a leader, creating obstacles?”
“What does everyone know, but nobody dares to say?”
That is closeness.
It does not mean you are everyone’s best friend.
Closeness is not a soft thing. Closeness is a competitive advantage.
Pay attention to this.
A leader who has no contact with people leads based on assumptions.
They imagine.
They guess.
They think about things they could simply ask.
That is exactly why they sleep worse and feel that everything would collapse without them.
2. Use the Right Energy at the Right Time
An effective leader does not always use the same communication style.
Sometimes the team needs calmness.
Sometimes enthusiasm.
Sometimes decisiveness.
Sometimes silence.
When the team is panicking, most leaders add even more panic.
Stop.
Ask this instead:
“Let’s pause. What do we know? What do we not know yet? What is the first right step?”
When the team is tired, the leader must not simply push harder.
At that moment, the team needs structure:
“What do we have to do today? What can wait? What can we remove?”
When the team is losing courage, the leader must not become a cold controller.
At that moment, the team needs energy:
“Team, I know this is tough. But we know how to do this. Let’s go step by step.”
Try it.
I would genuinely love to hear your comment.
3. Connect People to a Shared Goal
One of the biggest mistakes leaders make is thinking that people execute goals because the leader sets them.
No.
People execute shared goals.
If the goal is only “yours,” the team will follow instructions.
If the goal becomes “ours,” the team will take responsibility.
Most leaders say:
“This needs to be done by Friday.”
An effective leader says:
“This needs to be done by Friday because the client’s decision, the work of operations, and the result of the whole team depend on it. What do you need so we can make this happen?”
The first leader gives tasks.
The second creates a shared future.
And people take responsibility only when they understand the bigger picture.
4. Do Not Give Instructions. Activate Potential.
The easiest thing is to give an instruction.
“Do this.”
“Call this person.”
“Send the email.”
“Fix the report.”
But if a leader only gives instructions all the time, the team does not develop.
It becomes dependent.
It waits for direction.
It waits for confirmation.
It waits for permission.
It waits for the leader.
And then the leader complains that they have to do everything themselves.
If we want a more responsible team, the leader must become more responsible first.
An effective leader does not lead with answers.
An effective leader asks better questions.
“What do you suggest?”
“What options do you see?”
“What would you do if I were not here?”
“What risk does the first option create?”
“Who do we need to involve?”
“What is stopping you?”
Once again.
We do not lead with answers.
We lead with questions.
A leader is not the person who must find all the answers.
A leader is the person who knows how to ask questions that help the team find better answers than the leader would find alone.
5. Be a Demanding-But-Kind Leader
A leader is not only kind.
And a leader is not only demanding.
A good leader is demanding-but-kind.
They insist on goals.
And they remain human in the way those goals are achieved.
That means saying:
“Team, the goal remains. What do we need in order to achieve it?”
A demanding-but-kind leader does not lower ambition just to be liked.
They hold both.
The result.
And the relationship.
6. The Honesty Exercise
The biggest enemy of effective leadership is a lack of honesty.
In a team, things are often already clear.
Everyone knows what does not work.
Everyone sees where energy is being lost.
Everyone knows which meetings are unnecessary.
And everyone knows where we need to begin.
But nobody says it out loud.
That is why a leader needs a simple but extremely powerful tool.
The Honesty Exercise is, for me, the strongest leadership tool.
You can use it in a company.
You can use it at home.
At your next meeting, ask your team three things:
1. What works? Continue!
What are we already doing well?
What gives us energy?
What creates results?
Which behavior must we keep?
Do not fix what works.
Recognize it.
Name it.
Continue it.
2. What needs to change? Stop!
What is taking energy away from us?
Which process has become an end in itself?
Which behavior have we tolerated for too long?
Which decision are we postponing?
This is where real responsibility begins.
Not with new ideas.
But with the courage to stop something.
3. What would be good to introduce? Start!
What is missing?
Which conversation is missing?
What must we introduce immediately?
Which first step would make the biggest difference?
A team does not always need new ideas, new strategies, and new plans.
Most often, it simply needs an honest conversation.
And a leader who does not cling to their ego, but is willing to expose themselves.
Final Words
The biggest misconception about leadership is that the leader must be an expert in the field of work of the team they lead.
The leader must be an expert in relationships.
Creating closeness.
Using the right energy at the right time.
Connecting people to a shared goal.
Activating the potential of the team.
Leading with questions, not answers.
And creating the conditions for mutual honesty.
An effective leader is not born.
Effective leadership does not mean managing people.
It means managing relationships.
Leadership is not the result of natural talent.
It is a practice we improve through every conversation, question, response, and decision.
And the hardest change often begins with the following question:
How do I move from the operating mode of “my way or no way” into the mode of:
CONTINUE. STOP. START.
ENGAGE WITH THIS IDEA
Here is the mirror question:
Where are you still leading from “my way or no way” while expecting your team to take more ownership?
Comment with one number:
I need to create more closeness.
I need to use the right energy at the right time.
I need to connect people to a shared goal.
I need to stop giving answers too early.
I need to become more kindly demanding.
I need to create more honest conversations.
Share this with a leader who is strong enough to look in the mirror.
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Gregor, I appreciate your point that leaders are experts in relationships rather than every technical aspect of the work. I'd add that those relationships become most effective when they're built around a shared understanding of purpose. Communication isn't simply about connecting with people, it's about helping people understand why their work matters, how it contributes to the mission, and giving them the confidence to exercise their own judgment. Leaders who create that kind of environment don't just build better relationships; they build teams that can think, adapt, and perform without depending on the leader for every answer.
Gregor, but now you have become one of the best I know. A true thought leader who guides others with your wisdom :)