Why You Keep Playing Victim, Villain, or Hero — And How to Stop
The Secret Leadership Triangle That Traps You in Conflict, Drama, and Exhaustion
“If you spend more than 10% of your time solving conflicts, you either have too many employees or the wrong ones.”
— Peter Drucker
Part 1 – The Story
The email comes in at 11:47 p.m.
Another deadline missed. Another client unhappy.
Your chest tightens, your mind races, and in a split second, you’ve already chosen your role:
Victim: You slump back. “Why does this always happen to me?”
Villain: You fire off a message. “If they weren’t so careless, this wouldn’t have happened.”
Hero: You open your laptop. “Fine. I’ll fix this myself.”
At first, these roles feel good.
They give you a hit of certainty, power, or moral high ground.
But soon you notice the cost:
The victim loses influence.
The villain loses trust.
The hero loses energy.
And the triangle spins faster — pulling everyone around you into the drama.
“These roles aren’t just emotional patterns — they’re traps that keep you small, tired, and frustrated.”
My CEO Moment of Truth
As a CEO, I used to spend hours correcting grammar mistakes in team letters and memos. Every document that crossed my desk had red marks. I thought I was driving excellence — in reality, I was just doing their work for them.
And here’s the twist: Instead of getting better, the documents got worse.
The team got used to me “fixing it,” and I became the bottleneck.
Without realizing it, I had moved through all three roles:
I started as the Villain, policing every mistake.
I became the Hero, cleaning everything up myself.
And eventually, I became the Victim — bitter, tired, and muttering: “Why do I have to do everything?”
The uncomfortable truth? They weren’t the problem. I was.
By failing to connect them to the why — why quality mattered not just on store shelves but in every letter that carried our name — I had taken away their ownership.
I didn’t have an incompetent team. I had a team that had learned to be passive, because I trained them to wait for me to fix things.
The moment I stopped correcting and started coaching — asking them to re-read, reflect, and learn — the quality improved and my energy came back.
If you don’t build responsibility, you will build dependence — and eventually, resentment.
Part 2 – The Research
Psychologist Stephen Karpman called this cycle the Drama Triangle — a loop of Victim, Villain or Persecutor, and Hero or Rescuer that keeps us locked in repetitive conflict.
Falling into these roles isn’t weakness — it’s what happens when we don’t have strategies for emotional maturity.
When the brain senses threat, the amygdala fires. The prefrontal cortex — the part that plans, reasons, and reflects — goes offline.
You default to survival mode:
Victims outsource responsibility.
Persecutors weaponize power.
Rescuers create dependency.
It feels instinctive, because it is. But it’s costly:
Conflict cost: The average employee spends ~2.8 hours/week dealing with conflict — costing organizations $350B/year (CPP Global Human Capital Report).
Health impact: Nearly 25% of employees report stress-related sickness or absence caused by unresolved workplace conflict.
EQ impact: People working for emotionally intelligent managers are 4× less likely to quit. Those leaders are 34% more effective at leading change.
Each role gives you a quick hit of control — but costs you trust, energy, and authority in the long run.
Part 3 – The Philosophy
Aristotle said: “We are what we repeatedly do.”
If you repeatedly choose drama, you don’t just live it — you become it.
And what you become, your team and family will mirror back to you.
The villain keeps others small.
The hero stops others from growing.
The victim convinces themselves nothing can change.
Drama is not a personality flaw — it’s the absence of better strategies.
Part 4 – The Way Out
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Author Michael Bungay Stanier, in The Coaching Habit, shows us the fastest way out:
Ask better questions.
Victim → Creator
Ask: “What’s the real challenge here for me?”
Shift from blame to agency.
Take one small action that’s within your control.
Villain → Challenger
Ask: “How can I call them up, not call them out?”
Challenge without shaming.
Set clear expectations but invite their perspective.
Hero → Coach
Ask: “What have you already tried?”
Stop fixing everything yourself.
Grow capacity in others — not dependency on you.
Part 5 – The Most Typical Leadership Traps
The Drama Triangle doesn’t just show up in families or friendships — it is alive and well in leadership teams, boardrooms, and project meetings.
Here’s how it usually looks at work:
1. The Parent Figure (Villain)
Behavior:
Micromanages, double-checks every detail, over-protects the team from consequences.
Feels they must “keep everyone in line” or “hold standards” alone.
What It Creates:
A team that fears mistakes instead of learning from them.
Slow decision-making — everyone waits for the boss to approve.
“Shadow compliance”: people say yes to avoid conflict but secretly disengage.
Why Leaders Stay Here:
Control feels safe. Being “the strict one” proves they are doing their job.
But in the long run, trust erodes, creativity dies, and the leader ends up exhausted.
How to Shift:
Move from policing to challenging.
Call people up, not out — set expectations but let them own the solution.
2. The Therapist/Healer (Hero)
Behavior:
Always available to listen, always ready to help, jumps in to fix others’ problems.
Turns one-on-ones into emotional rescue sessions.
What It Creates:
A team that relies on the leader for every decision.
Employees who never build resilience because someone else carries the weight.
A burned-out leader who feels like everyone’s emotional babysitter.
Why Leaders Stay Here:
Being needed feels good. It’s a quick way to feel important.
But it creates dependency — and silently teaches the team that discomfort is not theirs to handle.
How to Shift:
Move from rescuing to coaching.
Instead of answering questions, ask:
“What have you already tried?”
“What do you think we should do?”
Help them think for themselves and grow capacity.
3. The Caretaker (Victim)
Behavior:
Takes on everyone’s work, sacrifices evenings and weekends, never complains — until they snap.
Keeps saying yes when they mean no.
What It Creates:
A team that assumes the leader will always “pick up the slack.”
Unclear boundaries and growing resentment.
Leaders who quietly start believing “I’m the only one who cares.”
Why Leaders Stay Here:
It feels noble. Sacrifice feels like proof of commitment.
But it slowly builds bitterness and leads to burnout or quiet quitting — from the top.
How to Shift:
Move from martyrdom to creation.
Clarify what you will and won’t do.
Show the team the why behind expectations and invite them to share the load.
If you keep fixing symptoms, you’ll spend your life running a first-aid station instead of building a healthy system.
Part 6 – Your Reflection Tool
Take one current challenge and journal on these four questions:
Where am I playing Victim, Villain, or Hero?
What benefit am I secretly getting from staying in this role?
What would it look like if I chose Creator, Challenger, or Coach instead?
What question can I ask — right now — that would unlock new options?
Try this with your team: Run a “Triangle Reset” session. Map where everyone feels stuck, then rewrite each role as its healthy counterpart. The energy in the room will change — fast.
TL;DR
Victim, Villain, and Hero are survival roles.
Creator, Challenger, and Coach are growth roles.
The difference isn’t personality — it’s strategy.
Drama is survival. Leadership is growth.
⚠️ ATTENTION: Unlock Your Practice
Reading about leadership traps is one thing.
Practicing your way out of them is another.
That’s why I created the Leadership Traps Quiz & Playbook.
Inside (paid only):
Leadership Traps Quiz – 10 scenarios that reveal your dominant role.
Personalized Results Guide – how to shift to Creator, Challenger, Coach.
Coaching Worksheet – ready to use with your team or for self-reflection.
As a paid subscriber you also get:
Exclusive Playbooks & Journals.
Subscriber-only deep dives & frameworks.
Full archive access.
Direct community access.
TODAY ONLY: SPECIAL OFFER — “LEADERS ARE READERS”
Get 20% off your first year.
Because leaders are readers — and the best leaders invest in their growth.
The End
The Drama Triangle is not a sign you’re broken — it’s a sign you’re human.
But growth is not about staying the same.
It’s about becoming the person you were meant to be.
The difference between drama and freedom is one question. Ask it.
Engage With This Idea
Comment: Which of the three roles do you find yourself in most often — Victim, Villain, or Hero?
Share: Someone in your network is stuck in drama right now — send this to them.
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🔒 PAID SECTION: LEADERSHIP TRAPS QUIZ
Discover which role you play most often — and how to break free.
This exercise will help you recognize your default reaction patterns (Victim, Villain/Persecutor, or Hero/Rescuer) and show you how to transform them into growth roles (Creator, Challenger, Coach).
Instructions:
For each situation, choose the answer that reflects how you would most likely respond. At the end, tally your answers to discover your dominant role and your next step for growth.
Situations:
1. An employee misses deadlines repeatedly.
a) I criticize them for not meeting expectations.
b) I take over part of their work so we meet the deadline.
c) I feel powerless and frustrated because I carry the consequences.
d) I invite them to analyze the problem with me and support them in finding solutions.
2. A team member approaches you with a personal problem that affects their work.
a) I tell them personal problems have no place at work.
b) I try to solve the problem by suggesting solutions.
c) I feel overwhelmed by the extra responsibility.
d) I listen and explore possible support options together.
3. Your team complains about being overworked.
a) I remind them everyone is responsible for their own work.
b) I take on more work to lighten their load.
c) I feel like a victim of a broken system.
d) We review priorities together and look for ways to optimize workload.
4. During a meeting, someone questions your decision.
a) I shut them down to maintain authority.
b) I try to convince them I’m right and smooth things over.
c) I feel incompetent because they question my leadership.
d) I ask for feedback and open space for constructive discussion.
5. An employee repeatedly asks for help with tasks they should be able to do.
a) I strictly warn them to be more independent.
b) I always help them so they don’t feel unsupported.
c) I feel trapped doing their work for them.
d) I show them how to solve it themselves and encourage learning.
6. You realize the team is poorly prepared for a meeting.
a) I warn them they’ll face consequences for their lack of preparation.
b) I prepare everything myself so the meeting isn’t wasted.
c) I feel helpless because my effort feels wasted.
d) I engage them in a conversation about how to prepare better in the future.
7. A team member has a bad attitude toward work and colleagues.
a) I criticize them in front of the team.
b) I try to repair the relationships on their behalf.
c) I feel unable to influence the situation.
d) I have a one-on-one conversation to encourage a change in behavior.
8. An employee suggests a solution that doesn’t fit your expectations.
a) I reject the proposal outright.
b) I try to adjust their solution to fit my vision.
c) I feel disappointed that they don’t understand me.
d) I explore their proposal and look for a shared solution.
9. A project is running late and the client is upset.
a) I pressure the team to work faster.
b) I take over tasks to speed things up.
c) I feel helpless because I can’t control the situation.
d) I analyze the delays with the team and set new priorities.
10. An employee refuses to take responsibility for their mistakes.
a) I warn them they’ll face consequences unless they own up.
b) I take responsibility myself to keep the peace.
c) I feel disappointed and powerless.
d) I explore the reasons with them and encourage learning from the mistake.
Scoring:
Count how many times you answered a, b, c, and d.
Results:
Mostly A: You often play the Villain/Persecutor role. Explore how to shift into a Challenger who sets clear expectations without creating fear.
Mostly B: You often play the Hero/Rescuer role. Practice stepping back and empowering others to solve their own problems.
Mostly C: You often play the Victim role. Focus on becoming a Creator who takes ownership and acts on what can be changed.
Mostly D: Congratulations — you frequently choose the growth role that breaks the Drama Triangle and creates positive, collaborative dynamics.